Rebuilding trust: signs & solutions for healing relationships

Is having trust issues a disorder?

No, having trust issues is certainly not a disorder. Although people with underlying conditions (e.g., anxiety, depression, PTSD) are more likely to have trust issues, anyone can show suspicious and jealous behavior.

After all, jealousy and suspicion are built into our DNA. Psychologist Joshua Coleman explains how we take advantage of hypervigilance to learn from our past experiences and survive despite repeated betrayals.² You can’t—and shouldn’t—blindly trust everyone.

But if you spend hours playing imaginary movies in your head and going over terrible scenarios of how people are about to betray you, the problem probably lies with you—not them. This is known as catastrophic thinking. The good news is, with an awareness you can change your thoughts. Support from a therapist or coach can help you build healthy intimate relationships.

That being said, if you suffer from a persistent fear of getting hurt by a romantic partner, you may have philophobia. Philophobia has Greek origins and comprises two words: “phileo,” which means to love, and the common root “phobia,” which means fear (literally, fear of love).³ People with philophobia can get nauseous or lightheaded just by talking—or even hearing—about love and relationships.

If you find it hard to make emotional connections with people in general, you could describe your condition as pistanthrophobia. From the Greek words human (anthropos), faith (piste), and fear (phobos), pistanthrophobia roughly translates to “fear of trusting people.”

As with most irrational phobias, both philophobia and pistanthrophobia are not classified as disorders since their symptoms are only triggered in specific situations.

A mental health professional can easily help so that you can build interpersonal trust.

How do you deal with trust issues in a relationship?

A lack of trust can ruin relationships. Putting confidence in your partner is probably the single most important prerequisite for a lasting, loving relationship. Of course, you can’t learn how to get over trust issues overnight. But if you want to be truly happy with someone, you need to let go of your prejudiced, subconscious worries.

Dating someone with trust issues is never easy. Here’s what you can do to overcome unresolved trust issues in your relationship:

• Stop monitoring their actions. This can be extremely difficult, especially if you’re used to knowing what your partner is doing at all times. Give them some space and show that you choose trust over suspicion. Stop calling them every five minutes, and resist the urge to sneak a peek at their phone when they’re away.
• Speak up. If you have a reason to feel jealous or suspicious, make sure you communicate it early with your partner. Problems won’t magically disappear; you have to open your communication and be honest about everything—especially the things that aren’t working out as well as you’d like.
• Recognize that you’ve been hurt in the past. There are some things we like to keep to ourselves. You don’t have to share details about your childhood trauma or past relationships with your current partner if you don’t feel comfortable. However, remember, while you may have experienced pain before, your current partner isn’t to blame for that pain—they weren’t the ones that hurt you. Identify these negative emotions, and assure yourself that the people that caused you pain are no longer around.
• Don’t keep too many secrets. Your partner deserves to know the real you, genuine and unfiltered. Instead of keeping secrets from your significant other, try to share secrets with them. Honesty brings honesty, and you’ll find that opening up more often will bring you closer together, even if it feels a little daunting at the time.
• Try to see your relationship through their eyes. Empathy is a sign of high emotional intelligence. Next time you feel like letting your insecurities take control, put yourself in your partner’s shoes. How would you feel if you were constantly monitored and accused of things you’ve never done?

Trust issues in relationships should be addressed as soon as possible. If all else fails, individual therapy is always an option. If both parties want to build mutual trust, a professional couples counselor can help explain exactly how distrust affects your relationship and help you come up with solutions to your problems. If you’ve never tried it, give it a go - it might be more powerful than you think.

How do you deal with trust issues in the workplace?

Building trust at work isn’t that different from building trust in a romantic relationship. If you want to be seen as a reliable colleague that others can depend on, here are some ways to develop basic trust at work:

• Appreciate your team and be honest with them. Honesty is key to any healthy relationship, but so is appreciation. Remember to acknowledge your team’s hard work and give praise when it’s due.
• Avoid gossip like the plague. Gossip is a sign of a toxic work environment. Building trust at the expense of others is a recipe for disaster. Even then, those who gossip don’t really trust each other—mainly due to fear of having the same people also talk behind their backs.
• Be consistent. It’s hard to trust someone when their mood is changing all the time. Just as you’re expected to consistently deliver and perform, you’re also expected to remain calm and keep a cool head even when under a lot of pressure.
• Pay attention to your body language. Not everyone’s made for stressful work environments, but you can use body language to make people feel more comfortable around you. Make yourself more approachable by maintaining eye contact and turning to face the person you’re interacting with. Don’t cross your arms, hide your face, or put objects between you and the person you're engaging with.
• Share information. If you learned something useful that could make your coworkers’ lives easier, don’t keep it to yourself—share it with them! If colleagues know that you’re not keeping things secret to gain a competitive advantage, they’re likely to reciprocate when the time comes for them. Everybody wins.

Develop trust skills and build your relationship satisfaction

Everyone is bound to experience dishonesty and various breaches of trust. Don't let mistrust rule your life or your relationship. Learning how to deal with trust issues can be profoundly rewarding. It won’t be easy, but with less fear and an open perspective, you can find the strength to trust without fear.