Compassion versus empathy: how developing your EQ can help

Compassion practices for everyday life

Given the multitude of mental and physical health benefits that both empathy and compassion bring about, it makes sense that a person would want to increase capacity for both. Below are 18 evidence-based ways to do just that:

1. Begin by considering people other than yourself

A basic prerequisite for empathy is being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. So many of us are self-interested, and are just doing what we can to survive or get ahead. But if you want to practice empathy, the first step is to step outside yourself.

This takes practice, and that’s okay. View empathy and compassion as muscles that you’re working on building. Some ideas:

• For every desire you have, think about someone else. For instance, when your stomach is rumbling at the office and you're ready to eat lunch, think of someone else. Has your teammate had lunch yet? If they're on a tight deadline or they have a habit of skipping lunch, you can offer to bring them something or invite them to join you.‍
• Get intentional about nurturing others. For example, add events to your calendar that remind you to check in on the people you care about. If a friend tells you they’re nervous about a job interview next week, add it to your calendar. That way, that morning, you can send them a text letting them know you’re thinking about them and that you believe they’ll do a great job.‍
• Instead of assuming, ask. It's the only way to know what the other person is experiencing. This will help you practice perspective-taking, an important component of empathy, which we’ll talk about more in the next tip.

2. Get curious: practice taking on someone else’s perspective

While there’s emotional empathy (where you feel what someone else feels), you can’t always rely on that, because emotions are fleeting. Instead, employ cognitive empathy. This is a thought exercise where you try to take on someone else’s perspective. The next time someone has an opposing view, or the next time someone does something you can’t understand; pause, reflect, and imagine. Get curious about their experience, without relating it to your own, and think of alternative explanations for their beliefs or behaviors. Of course, if you can, it also helps to ask them to share their perspective.

Practice doing this, and it will eventually become a habit. That way, instead of feeling angry, you can be in a space of curiosity and see them as a human with their own experiences and resulting perspectives. This will help you become a more empathetic person.

3. Develop emotional intelligence

To feel compassion, you must first be able to recognize that someone else is feeling sorrow or distress. Being able to identify emotions is a component of emotional intelligence (or EQ). And yes, it is a critical skill you can build.

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Developing emotional intelligence is a strong foundation for practicing compassion and developing healthy relationships.

4. Identify your values

Sometimes, feeling what someone else feels or taking someone else’s perspective is not enough to motivate us to take action to help them. When this happens, it can help to lean on our values, as everyone has an innate desire to act in accordance with their beliefs and values.

Take some time to reflect upon and write down your personal values and beliefs. For instance, your list might include, 'I believe that it is my duty to help those who are less fortunate,' or, 'I believe that every human being has intrinsic worth, regardless of their circumstances or resources.'

When you become clear on what you believe and value, it becomes much easier to make the decision to help. While you may not feel like helping someone at the moment (emotions come and go), you can use your intellect to call to mind that you are a person who acts in alignment with your beliefs, and this might be the motivation you need to take action.

5. Align your actions with your values

An interesting thing happens in our brains when we do not act in alignment with our beliefs and values: cognitive dissonance. It’s a fancy psychological term that equates to us feeling bad.

It’s hard for us to walk around knowing we did something we believe to be wrong. For instance, if I believe I am a person who helps those who are less fortunate, but yesterday, I ignored my friend’s text when she asked for help moving furniture, I’ll go through my day feeling bad about myself. It’s hard for me to believe I am a good and honest person if my actions conflict with that.

Instead of wallowing in shame over these moments, use them as motivation. So the next time, you’ll have positive evidence that you are, in fact, a person who acts according to your beliefs. That’ll feel so good.

6. Gratitude journaling

Gratitude is linked to prosocial behaviors. Research published in Social Psychological and Personality Science found that​​ gratitude makes people less likely to try to harm others and more likely to help them.¹¹

One way to cultivate gratitude is through journaling. At the end of each day, hop into the free F4S interactive journal to write down one or two things you’re grateful for and how you played a role in those things happening.

For example, you might write, 'I’m grateful that I had dinner with my friend today. It happened because I called her and invited her over.'

Understanding how you played a role in it can help you feel you do have what it takes to help others.

7. Practice self-acceptance

We must not forget about self-compassion. While being compassionate toward yourself is not a prerequisite for being compassionate towards others, it will certainly make your life easier. Remember, in the research above, we learned that self-compassion is good for your overall physical health.

But feeling compassion for yourself is tough if you haven’t yet achieved self-acceptance, which is the ability to see yourself as you are, strengths and blind spots included, and feel at peace about it, rather than berating yourself.

8. Reduce thought suppression

Everyone has thoughts that pop into their mind uninvited. Sometimes, a person labels a thought as bad and does everything they can not think of the thought. Often, this is an unhealthy (and unhelpful) way of coping with negative emotions caused by the thought. This is known as thought suppression, and it’s bad for mental health and hurts the development of self-compassion.¹² Instead, let yourself think the thought and then do your best to move on. You can choose something positive to think about, write down a gratitude, or even try some meditation.¹³

9. Self-awareness

Another skill you can use to increase your compassion is self-awareness. Self-awareness is realizing what you’re feeling and thinking, recognizing how your thoughts and feelings inform your behaviors, and acknowledging how your behaviors influence yourself and others. While a lot of people assume they’re self-aware, most are not. Thankfully, there are many actions you can take to increase self-awareness.

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10. Reduce stress levels

Stress inhibits your ability to feel compassion.

Stanford University neurosurgery professor James R. Doty, MD, says, “When the amygdala is activated, we have a decrease in pathways associated with nurturing. We take shortcuts because we’re in survival mode."³

To get out of survival mode, do activities that encourage a relaxation response. You could call a friend, take a soothing bath, or go for a walk in nature. By better managing your stress, you can open yourself up to compassion.

11. Compassionate leadership: create a safe space for people to feel and express their emotions

One component of compassionate leadership at work is acknowledging that each and every employee is a human being with a wide range of emotions that need to be expressed. Now, that does not mean they can express those feelings in any way they like. It requires emotional intelligence on their part, which involves knowing the appropriate way to respond to and manage emotional reactions.

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12. Write a self-compassionate letter

University of Waterloo psychology researchers Allison Kelly and Sydney Waring conducted an experiment to see if a self-compassion exercise would decrease shame and increase treatment motivation for people with anorexia nervosa.

The intervention involved writing a self-compassionate letter every day for two weeks. The results? Compared to the control group which did not write self-compassionate letters, the intervention group saw a greater boost in self-compassion and a bigger reduction in shame.¹⁴

13. Put a human face to the suffering

Tapping into our shared humanity helps move us to action. So if you want to be more compassionate, try putting a face to the suffering.

For instance, maybe you want to do something to alleviate hunger in your local community, but you can’t motivate yourself to sign up as a volunteer, or send a donation.

Research suggests that being able to see the plight of an individual human being is more motivating than seeing a group of people or seeing statistics when it comes to helping others.¹⁵ Ask a local charity if they can tell you about an individual who has benefited from their services or check out their website for testimonials and photos.

14. Stop using dehumanizing language

One dangerous behavior that diminishes our ability to feel empathy and compassion is dehumanization. As research professor Brené Brown points out, this begins with dehumanizing language, using a non-human term to label a group of people.¹⁶

So as innocuous as it may seem in the heat of the moment, refrain from describing your grumpy neighbor as a 'monste” or calling your ex a 'dog'.

Words matter, and dehumanizing language diminishes one’s capacity to feel empathy for another human being.

Compassion vs empathy: both have something valuable to offer

While many have pitted compassion versus empathy against each other, the truth is that both emotions have something valuable to offer you. Empathy is often a pathway to compassion, and compassion is the catalyst that sparks change by encouraging prosocial behavior.

Both compassion and empathy are key aspects of the human experience and have the potential to alleviate suffering, making life on this planet kinder and more caring.